The Heart Wherein to Forgive is Joy

'...if ever I offended against you in any matter great or small, forgive me now.'

'Dear King,' said the Unicorn, 'I could almost wish you had, so that I might forgive it.' 

~ The Last Battle, by C. S. Lewis

This is the gift that C.S. Lewis gives us. Showing us the joyful heart that wishes to do virtue, to have every opportunity to show love that it can be given. Where sin's existence causes no fear, because where there is sin and evil, that person knows Grace and Forgiveness may and will abound more.

We should not fear sin and evil because God has made a way that all can be made right. And God wishes deeply that in every case of our sin, His grace may be shown to be greater. Our thoughtless sin, done out of forgetfulness, should not impede our trust in God, because God is much greater than sin and evil. He wishes to show us His bounty in the face of darkness. He wishes us to have faith. Our own faithlessness is what will impede us; never God being unwilling to bestow gifts.

Whenever I have found myself to rest peacefully, believing God, then I begin to see graces hither and thither all around me. It is either as if all the good things that were become bright like stars, or else it is that more good is happening. It is impossible for me to know which- it might as well be one and the same.

In a heart of faith, opportunities are made visible. They might have been there before, but when we have faith, 'eyes to see,' we actually see them, and can catch them in our hands. Every little tiny blessing is an opportunity to praise God, and every moment of praising God is a grace to us. It lightens our hearts, it softens our hearts so that we are more malleable to the good around us, it braces us against the oncoming tide of darkness, and it becomes a shield and armour against the onslaught of life.

But instead of a heavy shield and armour, it is light, it makes our feet skip and dance, it makes us like a ninja. As the Bible says, sin is a weight... darkness in our hearts weighs us down. To be filled with God is to be filled with light and with lightness, with weightlessness, but interestingly (I dare say) a weighty weightlessness. A real weightlessness. Not vanity.

In the joyful, forgiving heart of faith, a person is able to rise above the trees and see the picture of life from above, and he is no longer afraid of what he sees. While he is weighted down, 'within' the world (in and of it, instead of in and not of it), he cannot see the path ahead, and that the story of life is a wielding of blows between good and evil, with good always having the upper hand.

I'm reminded of something I heard continuously through my life (perhaps it is from the picture in The Lion, the With and the Wardrobe of Aslan and the Stone Table), that death cannot hold Him. God is so great that no bands of evil could ever withstand Him.

(In saying that we should not fear sin, I mean also that the sorrow and grief sin evokes in us should also not be a tether: to be sorrowful is right, and it frees us to forgive others, and to submit ourselves to the forgiveness of others. It is freedom to feel even the pain of sin. All correct reactions to things are freeing.)

Not Trusting

I realise I spend so much of my life controlling. I try to know what's going on, why things are happening, so that I can control how things unfold, even when I am not directly involved. It's like being a hawk, watching the world, wanting to steer things, but not able to. I am not involved. I can watch from afar and feel very much involved in what is going on; my own distance from a problem means nothing if I understand the problem.

This is such a drain. I put such a strain and pressure on myself to be correct, not to say anything I can't back up (at least in my own head). It doesn't serve any purpose because I can never be one hundred percent sure. It merely exhausts me.

This need for certainty is usually brought on by what may happen in the future, hence why I bring it up. I write out of a drained feeling- a feeling of hopelessness, because I can't seem to break myself from this notion that I do not deserve a good future, so I have to work hard to earn it from God. I have to think the right thoughts, do the right things, never make a mistake. I feel as if, if I have not gotten what I want now, I must not be allowed to have it (which then distances me from God- why ask for anything?).

I have been reading The Knowledge of the Holy by A. W. Tozer. In the chapter on The Wisdom of God, it says, near the end, 'Trust me, be not afraid.' The idea is: God knows just what ought to happen, and He knows just how it should happen. He leads the blind on in the way they should go; they never knowing where, and perhaps feeling reticent, but always it leads to the right place.

This is what I was leaning into as a young teenager, but let go of as I began to be more exposed to adults. I always imagine that we have a very strong culture nowadays that leans away from merely trusting ourselves to God to take us on the path we must take. It is not necessarily true that this is our culture; it might just be that I am seeing it around me more than other messages because I am discouraged myself.

At any rate- I have felt that I must choose to turn away from listening to and minding the culture I find myself in now. I do not feel at all a part of it- I am an alien, but I am not yet believing I am also a free alien, free to do what I think is right. I am not standing on my own two feet, standing in God, which is the only place I could stand; the only place where what I desire most, and believe is true, exists. I have felt lost my whole life, when I try to stick myself in other people's shoes and understand their thinking, because the 'thinking' I have seen there has never seemed rich enough, robust enough, to encompass all of reality that has to be explained.

(I also likely try to put myself only in the shoes of people with whom I disagree, which means my brain has this notion that I am in opposition to everyone, but that's merely because I never really Register people who agree with me.)

At any rate! This was a conglomeration of confusion. When I am in this mental state, I am only confusion.

About Comment Notifications

I haven't been receiving emails about approving people's comments- I'm very sorry about that. I'll keep an eye on it from now on! I would have approved them if I'd known, but I haven't been writing posts (as you can tell) for awhile now, so my eye hasn't been on this ball.

Thank you all for reading my posts, and for your comments! I really, really appreciate it.