So our newish idea of how to be kind and good to any other person is to do that which builds up self-esteem. You should not do that which would make a person lose their confidence or zest for accomplishment. What you do matters directly in relation to the other person's quantity of self-esteem. You are responsible for how much you damage the other person's sense of self.
It seems to have resulted in very wishy-washy parenting in which we try to show love enough that the child could not possibly have low self-esteem. Tell them they did a good job, even if the A they drew looks like unstable architecture. Shower them with praise when they do basic everyday stuff. (I understand there is an argument for the first time someone accomplishes something that for the rest of us is normal, but I don't think that children want or need to be showered with praise for that; only told, 'Yes, that's how you do it!')
I understand that to some extent hearing this may rebel against people's moral compasses, thinking how could it hurt to tell someone they're doing a good job, whatever the circumstance? Nowadays, I think we err towards the do-not-criticise side of things, instead of having a sense of pride in how well we can accomplish things; a sense of excellence. Critique needn't be unkind. Good, constructive critique seems far more loving than holding back for the sake of someone's feelings.
I suspect children can sniff that a lot of praise is not genuine nowadays, and I think it may be damaging them. I was very sensitive to whether or not people were serious. I hated to be complimented for something that I knew was mediocre (which may be my pride). Children really like it when adults notice their true accomplishments, and they want to show that they can compete with the best of 'em (even when they can't).
Somewhere deep down, I think we all really care about this. I could be wrong; maybe it's just me and a few others, but I don't think we actually like to let ourselves slip and do something badly, and to know that we are really no good at anything. Generally speaking, humans seem to like to really accomplish something, not just to be told they accomplished something when that thing is actually meaningless.
From where I stand, the propensity to compliment people for meaningless actions damages our drive to achieve and try new things. It's better to occasionally genuinely compliment something you (the complimenter) actually care about than it is to try to manufacture praise-feelings in yourself and compliment from there.
(First time writing about this, and may have missed some elements. To the future!)
Children can indeed sense insincere (or undeserved, or overenthusiastic) praise. When I was in the schools, there was a lot of literature about constructive criticism and finding genuine things to target with acknowledgment. The key was never to generalize, never to give a blanket compliment, but to point out what was good or to find something that at least seemed to be on the right track as a clue to fixing out what was bad.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of it depends on personality types. Some children respond better to excessive positivity than others. Personally, I found that having someone ride me hard helped me best. I wouldn't have stayed in martial arts so long if I hadn't had an instructor who cut me no slack, who made me a tiny bit mad, who dared me to do better. (Others found that same instructor discouraging and abrasive, so I suppose there's a testimony to the personality types thing). So it could be said that the same relentlessly positive teaching/discipline style that helps one child overcome a crippling fear of failure, is the same one that makes an unmotivated or slothful child think, "If this is so good, why should I try harder?"
I didn't realise they were doing that in schools, but it's encouraging if they're seeing the value in actual constructive criticism...
ReplyDeleteI suppose it might be said that a teacher who can sense wisely what each child needs is best, but that's hard with a lot of students (of course), and requires just being able to see what's needed... but I tend to think that constructive criticism, being 'hard' on people, is not the same as discouraging and abrasive. Some people nowadays are too soft, though, and interpret anything the least bit hard-as-nails as too harsh. I think there is still the ability to show a kind of love while having good/high standards.
Yes-- a lot of teachers (I would even go so far as to say most) in the schools know plenty about good pedagogy.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good point about how the criticism is received. I suppose the direct result of too much "self-esteem building" instead of character-building, and too much face-saving praise instead of genuine acknowledgment, is that any criticism is seen as an attack.
I could go on for hours, related to this topic.
ReplyDeleteI believe the whole stigma of "Everyone's a winner" has been cancerous to our society, and it's the reason we have groups like Antifa popping up. Groups that are relatively ignorant to how the world works. Everyone is absolute -NOT- a winner. Without stones to step on, there are not steps to climb.
This also goes along with the whole "Body Positivity Movement". In the whole grand scheme of things YOUR FEELINGS DO NOT MATTER. The Body Positivity movement likes to promote the idea that it's "Okay to be fat" And you should "love your body." While, it's difficult to argue that you shouldn't love yourself, you -should- love yourself enough to take care of yourself. From someone who's been borderline morbidly obese for years, I wish I had more people fat shame me in the past. Negative enforcement works SUBSTANTIALLY better than positive enforcement, in most cases. Something along with the psychology that people value what they stand to lose, at about twice as much as they value what they could stand to gain.
In the end, I think it all comes down to poor parenting practices. Parents afraid to spank their children, because of some non-existent psychological imprinting that the child will fear, for the rest of their life.
It's okay to lose from time to time. If you never lose, how could you possibly value winning?
These are good points- I've been thinking for years how one shames people in a *good* way without doing something that (I believe) is uncharitable. Since I was shamed for some things I realise I have to accept in myself (my natural proclivities/failings), I want to be very careful to make sure my shaming is actually going to help them grow in the direction they *should* go- this also means being prudent about finding out if they are actually doing anything wrong.
DeleteThe point that we value more what we will lose than what we'll gain really applies at the subconscious motivation level. Unless we realise this and use it to our advantage, we're very much leaves in the wind, specially because the way marketing works targets our unconscious motives.