My Problems in Prayer

When I pray to believe that God will do the right thing by me, I try to fulfill that prayer. I try to work myself into believing it; to do the work I am asking God to do. I am never really asking. I am afraid that unless I don't do the work, I won't get the prize. Whatever this is, it is built into me: I always feel I must fulfill whatever I ask for. Which probably means I never ask for something that I do not at least take a part in doing myself. I hate to ask for help, for some reason. I hate to ask for anything at all.

I also feel that I should ask for things I know I'll get. Always pray what you believe God actually wants you to have; never pray for what you want. But I believe the Bible is clear that God wants us to tell Him the desires of our hearts. Of course He already knows them, but (as some say) He takes pleasure in us talking to Him and desiring Him to be with us, like that is part of what He made us for; to want Him to love us.

So by that logic, if we want Him, He will be with us, because He is perfect and does exactly what He wants like a perfect promise kept. We usually only want Him on our terms, though, and thus we push Him away. He does not come on our terms. If I really, truly desired Him to help me, He would do it. I don't even think I've ever completely wanted Him, but there have been times I have been closer to it, where I was simple and child-like enough, somehow, and I believe He did help me. But because I am constantly in doubt, I imagine I'm imagining it's so.

In relationship, I have many fears: that people do not really want to be around me, they do not want me to be needy, that they don't want my emotions causing a ruckus, and don't want to know what I desire. If at all possible, I must keep to myself and carry my own burdens alone, as that is what I think others expect of me. And I certainly view God this way. God couldn't possibly want to know my whinings and spontaneous thoughts. I imagine I am as annoying and insignificant as a grovelling beggar to Him. My wants and desires are childish to Him and He couldn't possibly have time to be interested in me. So I try, as I pray, to fulfill the prayers myself; to carry my own weight (or whatever the saying is). If I am going to be a burden, I should only be a burden to myself. So I end up trying to be everything that I need in other people. Everything I need. I try to make sure I've done everything I possibly can before I go to other people about even what I am thinking: to try to perfect it and simplify it and say as little as I can, and ask as little of them, and require as little of their time.

I don't believe God could want me to muss up His time. I forget that the Bible says all sorts of things starkly in contrast to what I feel God wants. 'Open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.' When I was a child, I likely felt that His judgement of the Israelites was that they asked too often for things, but since then people corrected me: they did not trust that He would provide. They grumbled and did not, as children, believe He was their good Father, and that He would always, always sustain them. We grumble when we think that someone is not with us, not for us (I know it in my family ;) ); when we doubt that they love us and desire what is good for us. If the Israelites had simply asked for things as if God were their truly loving Father, if what I say is true, He would have been delighted. But that is for the Bible scholars and theologians to tease out (though I wish I could do it).