I have a tendency to turn my self-discipline into a sort of hard pushiness. I too easily want to tell myself I am doing things 'wrong.'
I effectively (emotionally) forget that self-discipline is a glorious, wonderful, freeing thing. If you can, in fact, make yourself do what you know you ought to do, what you know you long-term would like yourself to do, it is incredibly nice. Or so I found. I would call it a kind of Narnian self-discipline. A joyous discipline that knows that every step you take now will lead to great fruit later- a hopeful outlook.
I am very numb these days, so it's hard to remember this. I am very hopeless, downtrod. I used to take great, great pleasure in seeing myself improve- seeing myself become wiser and stronger, and also more happy. To be capable, to be able, to be able to feel all the ups and downs without the downs SMITING you, is wonderful. To know there is a future, and that it is not all in your control- that you can let go that tight monster-grip on the future.
This, of course, only works for me because I believe that God ultimately has the reins, even though I don't feel as if I believe that right now. One goes emotionally through ups and downs. So I can lean into this, and lean into the beauty of self-discipline- it is a part of sanctification, and sanctification is the most beautiful thing that can happen to me!
The hard work of self-discipline goes through also the path of being able to accept our weakness, which is probably what is hardest for me to accept (perhaps would be for anyone?). We all have different forms of weakness. For me at least right now, I am seeing that I want to be able to do whatever I 'should be able to,' which is also what I want, because I love to be capable long-term. But I have lost sight of the love and gone solely at this as 'I NEED TO BE CAPABLE,' thus losing sight of what would motivate me to be capable in the first place! I thrive on motivation, I thrive on intense enjoyment of reality, and without it, when I am numb, I am hopeless and desperate.
This is morphing into talking about the love aspect: my goal needs to be the love of 'what is right,' because that actually helps me, rather than the 'need to be capable,' which is rather utilitarian and devoid of meaning. I can ignite it with meaning, and then immediately I go back to an infatuation with the beauty of Humans As Creative Beings.
So I just get back to where I started years ago, and that's good. But- to feel it! How to feel it?
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