Is There a Point?

Will all things fall to pieces in my hands, all things I touch turn to dust? It seems that everything I touch becomes a tormented nightmare. I cannot live but that things turn into sawdust in my mouth; as I taste, all things become death. The life, the liveliness, it is vain. All is vain. Mere breath, vanity. It is nothing but sorrow, nothing but cheating fancy. Carrots dangled before you, never being reached. Life is a lie, an illusion, a taunting temptation.

It's hard to put something here for you all that sounds so dismal, but I have realised if I don't let out what I'm facing inside, there's no likelihood I can break the spell. I have a fog over me, and part of this blog is to try to dispel it by making myself say truths. But to say good truths, one seems to have to own the bad 'truths' one is believing.

Every one of us believes a great many things that aren't true, that mess up our whole lives. The impact of what you believe on how you live your life is immense. I believe what we do comes directly out of what we think. So therefore, we must work to change what we think about the world.

But you can only change something if you know it is there. Sometimes it is too hard to face what one believes alone- sometimes it is so dark, you can't do it without going to the worst possible place (imagine, if you dare).

We have to drive ourselves to face what we are really thinking, and take ownership of what we believe. Then we get to decide: do I want to keep believing this, even as it tears my life into pieces, and turns all sanity in the world into chaos before my eyes? Do I want to believe things that only crush me into despair, and turn the world around into a grey monotony?

That is another choice: as someone whose mind tends to head towards seeing the world as a sort of depressed cause-and-effect machine, am I going to believe that that is all there is to the world, or am I going to listen to the part of me that says, in a very small, squeaking voice, that since that kills all motivation to live, maybe there is something actually logical in believing in Meaning and Purpose?

Am I going to open myself up to the possibility that good is ultimate over badness? I get to choose this.

But still, I am stuck in the haze of not being willing to hope. It's too scary to open myself to being disillusioned again. I don't know if I could stand it one more time in my life.

Because I struggle with this, I have had to think about a lot of the things I've written on this blog. It has been a sort of mammoth effort to keep myself afloat by forcing myself to think about the logic of reality and to force myself to see the good in things, and to force myself to justify it logically as far as possible so that I cannot deny it is there. But I think I may have left my feelings behind, and I'm not sure where I left them, and how to pick them up again. But we'll see...