Juxtaposition

What torture to care about people, to be bent to understand their thoughts, motivations and feelings, but to care incredibly about Truth.

Really it should not be torture if I knew that the Truth is always best, but I've obviously taken on some of relativism in my own heart and think that it is nicest to people not to contradict them, not to disagree.

I can't explain just how much I want to stand for the Truth, but feel conflicted as to how it will be taken. I know people won't understand- that's the worst to me. Not their feelings, but whether they can even comprehend... they will think it is mean because they can't see how it could not be.

But my heart aches, and my sleep suffers, my conscience is compromised, and I cannot love life because I will not publicly live out what I feel in my heart: to live is to be in right relation to Reality, nothing else will make us happy.

To be living in a way that is discordant with what I actually to some small extent (oh, how we humans only do things by millimetres) believe is hard. I am entirely compromised. I am polluted and broken, as long as I refuse to do what I believe is right. One cannot be out of concert with one's conscience and live to tell the tale. I am becoming more an animal every moment I keep living out of alignment with Reality.

How rightly MacDonald and Lewis had it. Your mind, your heart, your everything is compromised- you cannot live as well, you cannot think as well... I am a gunked up machine unable to work as long as I refuse to go by my conscience.

But the Truth is not pretty. Our society now will not like it (it never did, though- look at Christ on the Cross). A false morality has made its way into our lives, an easier morality that does not ask for any real sacrifice. To let the Truth be true nowadays would be a great blow to our comfortable existences.