To Ask for Help

I have found out gradually over the years that, though I very much want help, I will not ask for it.

I try to understand a problem first. I feel as if I should know first what is the whole of the problem and what is the solution before I go and ask for help- then I can articulate what I specifically need (I tell myself). But I never end up actually asking, and I know that when I do, I am bargaining and trying to make the other person give it to me. When you have spent days, months or even years thinking about a problem before you ask someone, there's going to be a lot of baggage built up on it and it will sound like a demand, however sweetly you frame it.

One thing I will have to work on is learning to ask God for things without determining beforehand all the answers. If I determine beforehand, I may never ask. Besides, I can feel like I never reach a conclusion (O woe!), always aware that there is something more I don't yet understand, something hiding just out of sight that I can sense.

It is very hard to ask anybody what I want before I know that I need it- it is a great concession. It is being vulnerable. It is hard for me to ask for something if I don't know that someone else should give it, and I don't even trust other people to determine that well. I don't really want to present to them, 'Could you help me with this?' instead of saying 'this is what I need,' because if I say the former, they will then get to decide for themselves, O horror, and they might disagree with me!

The best response if I truly wish to become closer to God is to give up all the layers of pretense and ego and say just what comes to my mind. But what if it's wrong! Oh, no! Good- you'll learn humility. Why is that so bad?