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Monday, February 3, 2020

My Fight with Complexity

I have had a bit of a journey to deal with complexity for various reasons. I realised this example can serve as an introduction into how I look at life, how I navigate it. A big piece is self-control- I had to learn it or I was not going to be able to have what I wanted at all out of life. The question that was basically posed to me as a child was- do you want Life or do you want to be miserable in the future? The only way not to be miserable was self-control and self-denial. Meekness, which I wrote about earlier, relates to this, and why I posted that was because of how passionate I am about godly self-discipline.


I have found over time from others and myself that I can be rather vague in communication. Perhaps part of it was my automatic assumption that things are quite basic; that all in life boils down to simple things. It became evident in childhood that I had the tendency to leave out important information when I was figuring out how to do daily tasks best. Because I was made fun of for it, I made myself figure out how to deal with the complexity of life (also important when your family is intellectually-inclined and you want to be In On It). If I figured out how to manage the complexity, I would be able to explain myself better- I found I was often missing the mark in explaining myself. My ideas don't go away if other people disagree, unless they managed to disprove it.

So I realised, by the word of wise people and vicarious experience, that it's safest to view complexity as reality and to face it if you want to live with ease, be happy in the long run, and all that jazz. The road to simplicity has to go through complexity; a little syrup boils down from a lot of sap. 

I thought then, if I enter into and live in the metaphorical hurricane of so-much-conflicting-information, maybe one day it will feel like my feet are on solid ground- I will get used to the chaos. Picturing it somewhat like this was how I reconciled myself to putting myself through all the rigmarole I still do put myself through. I forced myself to 'enter the hurricane' as a child, putting one leaden foot in front of the other, and gained habit, momentum. I am fascinated by mind-numbing hard-core self-work since I think it is the only way to live better, wiser- it is the way to pave the future that I want.

I was not allowed to get away with any simplistic notions as a child. I want to hate that, but it's not worth hating reality (I know from what many wise people said, it doesn't make things easier). I decided quite young that I was going to, even if it was the last thing I did, love how things actually are, however hard it is. I just decided. I will keep asking if I am facing things, I will keep reassessing. The hardest things to do are also the most rewarding, even emotionally. I had some moments as a teenager of incredible euphoria, seeing how it all was working out, like a vision. Most of life is a drudge, full of impatience, but the only way to be truly happy is to do what has to be done, and eventually you become used to it, and it becomes life-giving.

2 comments:

  1. Just finished Albert Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus. Have you read it, because I do feel like it relates to what you're getting at here.

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    1. (Sorry I have not seen this yet until now- Blogger hasn't been notifying me about comments.)

      I haven't read it- I'll look into it because this is a very important thing for me to work out in my life.

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