You Want Control? Here is Fear.

I have been in denial that I am a creature of fear. I have tried to cope with the complex problems I invented by denying that I am afraid. I am even afraid to be afraid; I imagine that being afraid will trap me, which is true. But I feared to share my fear- I feared to seem weak. I do very much wish to seem strong. It is easy for me to keep that illusion when my life is much the same, from day to day, week to week, year to year. So safe from any crazy curve balls that could be thrown at me. And always I am looking at others to learn what curve balls may come my way, always seeing what I could come into contact with and mentally acquainting myself with those things so they cannot overwhelm me.

I will not drown. I will not be trapped. I can do this; I can do anything.

When I am most depressed, it's due to fear - the future is closed, I feel stuck. Trapped. All my limbs bound, things pressing in on me, stifling the air, suffocating me. The choices I wish to take are mere illusion... the future is dead; it can only ever go downhill. All that is darkest is most real. The only future I can see is one of problems here, and problems there, and that future is a stifling, dead, joyless, empty, dystopian thing.

I live constantly gearing up, alert, on the edge of my seat, eyes wide open, my mind fighting for certain outcomes, even in my dreams. I learn from others' experiences so I might have 'the best future,' never, it seems, merely for the fun of learning about others. Do I really care about other people? I highly doubt it, except in those blissful moments when God seems to have reached through me and is using my body and mind and heart to do His will in others' lives.

I know what hell I have made for myself, but if every single area of life is an area where things are not happening 'as they ought to,' it is hard, ever so hard, not to exert control over that part of your life. So hard not to wrap your mind around that thing and make yourself acquainted with the ins and outs of it, as your mind sees it, and make yourself bear the thing. Iron grip. Grasping, grasping, squeezing the thing to death- 'I will not let you do what I do not want; if you insist on doing it, I will make myself used to you. I will not be denied.'

I live in fear because I imagine I can control. It is not a free life. It is not what God would intend for any of us. He wishes us to be free of care because we trust in Him... I am clearly in no way trusting in Him. It seems that even by understanding this situation of control and fear, I am yet again controlling, and yet again afraid. I fear my own case of control because I also know what that will cause, so I wish to control it and prevent future control...

...by CONTROLLING.