To Ask for Help

I have found out gradually over the years that, though I very much want help, I will not ask for it.

I try to understand a problem first. I feel as if I should know first what is the whole of the problem and what is the solution before I go and ask for help- then I can articulate what I specifically need (I tell myself). But I never end up actually asking, and I know that when I do, I am bargaining and trying to make the other person give it to me. When you have spent days, months or even years thinking about a problem before you ask someone, there's going to be a lot of baggage built up on it and it will sound like a demand, however sweetly you frame it.

One thing I will have to work on is learning to ask God for things without determining beforehand all the answers. If I determine beforehand, I may never ask. Besides, I can feel like I never reach a conclusion (O woe!), always aware that there is something more I don't yet understand, something hiding just out of sight that I can sense.

It is very hard to ask anybody what I want before I know that I need it- it is a great concession. It is being vulnerable. It is hard for me to ask for something if I don't know that someone else should give it, and I don't even trust other people to determine that well. I don't really want to present to them, 'Could you help me with this?' instead of saying 'this is what I need,' because if I say the former, they will then get to decide for themselves, O horror, and they might disagree with me!

The best response if I truly wish to become closer to God is to give up all the layers of pretense and ego and say just what comes to my mind. But what if it's wrong! Oh, no! Good- you'll learn humility. Why is that so bad?

A True Enemy

I prefer an enemy who tells the truth than an enemy which lies; an enemy which seems more like to us, and which we could slip into thinking well of.

It is far better to know who is your enemy and who is your friend than to be duped by a false friend- someone who is actually your enemy but lies to get something from you.

I feel as if Marxism has been the West's lying enemy/false friend. It spoke sweet nothings to us (sweet things that do not exist in reality), and we listened. We took some of what it said; we believed it, and we still don't know how much (even I keep finding out more assumptions I have that I realise are false). We are taken in and we do not realise it because of the deceitful enemy who masqueraded as a friend oh so many years ago. The more obvious bits we think we have eradicated, but really we didn't know how deeply the world bought into Marxism. And we don't know what we've lost. We don't remember anything before Marxism took us in, so we do not know that we have lost something precious.

(Marxism is merely an example, though a very important one to me, of a paradigm I see in myself. I prefer a clear enemy than a hard-to-peg one. You want to be able to fight your enemy, and you can't do it without understanding your enemy.)

On Getting Used To Things

This will be rather harder to articulate, I believe.

From my own experience, I have learned that clearly we can learn to like things we don't at present like. The process might vary from person to person, but generally if you are exposed to something enough, whether you once hated it, you will grow used to it, and often grow not to mind it, and possibly even grow to like it.

People know this (at least in some areas) in relation to social media and being around certain people enough. You begin to grow like them. You begin to like the same things they like (yes, we may all protest that we don't, but consider it- if it's true, it's very important). Hence some people will say to beware what people you spend most of your time with (and even how you spend that time), and it is the basis for the extreme that some Christians fall into of avoiding 'polluting influences'; that even being exposed once to an 'evil thing' will contaminate you. I do not agree with this because there's no room for anyone figuring out what is bad- you just have to trust some other person and it doesn't even allow for learning wisdom and discernment; for growing.

I believe it is very important to expose ourselves to good things to shape goodness in ourselves, and to counter the influence of bad things all around. We will not even know all of the bad things that are barraging us, and for that reason it is even more important to edify ourselves with good things.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

- Philippians 4:8, KJV

Realise that if the Bible says this, it means it. Christians must consider why it would be so important to emphasise it as much as this.

Due to my kind of classical background, I have believed it to be important to expose myself more and more to the truly excellent things, like good music, good literature, well-thought-out ideas, just whatever I believe is truly edifying. It is also clearly good for me to do this. I really am whole-er, less dark and despairing, when I am seeing more of those good things. It's not that in my current state it makes some crazy difference; I merely find myself less hopeless than I thought possible. The beauty of a well-composed piece of Baroque music is a boon. Of course what is good has to be debated, but it really ought to be, rather than where we seem to be today, hardly discussing the hierarchy of badness and goodness.

One very interesting thing I often forget is how very, very important it is to make certain I do not fall into the trap of noticing all the things that are wrong in life. I have been, of course, concerned about what's happening these days, as anyone likely is, regardless of which position they take on The Issues. I have tended to focus on what's wrong, instead of 1. focusing on the good elements I can see present, and 2. focusing on the good that I still have a choice to apply in my life. In other words, I am not thinking of what I need, but rather what I imagine is harming me, or impeding me (o victim that I am!), which is the wrong way to go about getting what you need. I do know what I ought to be doing, so I ought to be doing it! And doing what ought to be done is the actual way God prescribes for us to fight the forces of darkness. Christians had better decide if they trust God on this.

Focus on the negative influences us. However, I never see how it does so until I am already fighting against it; saying no to the addictive desire to understand problems, looking instead for something good. If one focuses on the good, I posit one will be more able to see and understand problems, and therefore more able to act. Perhaps the addictive desire to see the negative side of things prevents one from changing it because we know if it's solved, we won't still have that 'scab to pick', so to speak. It certainly is the case in relationships that we refuse to allow people to say they're sorry so that we can still enjoy criticising and finding fault with them.

This reminds me of the what C. S. Lewis said- the better we become, the more we see our badness.

What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.

- C. S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew (Whether you see it being related or not, I'm just leaving this here.)

Lack of Hatred is Not Love

We think it is worse to hate than not to love. But to love is a Christian's duty- being a lover is one of perfected man's identities.

We should love all people, we should learn what is right and good and truly beautiful and love that. We must be lovers, not merely not-haters- it is not enough not to hate things; to be lukewarm towards God and what God created.

So we must seek what is excellent, in the world, in people. It is hard to love people without looking for some good in them- that is why the two  doctrines, the Image of God and the Fall of Man, are so important. We must understand others are 'as good' as we are. We must understand we are 'as bad' as everyone else is. These are the facts that are the remedy for the disinterest and cynicism we often feel towards things- particularly the things we feel it towards which we know are not in and of themselves bad.

This whole 'not hating is not enough/is not love' could be applied to the subject of judgement. We are told not to judge others. The Bible implies in many passages that we are, in fact, called to find the good in things, and I think about it as, we are to amplify the good we see. In the case of 'disagreeable conversation', one applies this by looking to find where the other person is right, where the two people can agree, as well as in a possible case of the other conversant's ignorance, where they got it right. Emphasise the good, make clear where Truth is, go back to the very point of disagreement, and things are a lot better than trying to nitpick apart the other person's arguments, finding everything which is wrong with what they said and even with themselves (it easily devolves into ad hominem attacks).

Policy and Method

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking a certain way of doing things is what will work, but as Christians we're basically told that that will not necessarily work. Unless you happen to consider as your method the way that God already does things, which is usually not the case as it's hard to accept.

It is easy to fall into trusting policies and methods to solve problems. From what I've seen so far, the actual solution is usually something we don't expect. In the moment we often think we understand problems completely in the big picture, but the recurring fact is that we never, ever really do. Especially when we really think we do- the thing we are inclined to make an exception of this rule. Even those of us who accept this will make exceptions- I do it, even though I've seen this since I was a child. I will want to say that this one thing always works, but it just doesn't. I have also learned that what makes 'this one thing' work in the cases where it does is wisdom.

The example of where I was thinking about this was specifically government policy, I suppose. So many at this time think that if we enacted something in policy, then things would be solved. I am at the point where I see that it will not work, and it probably isn't even possible, to 'fix' what's happening with policy (go ahead, for now, and imagine which side I'm on ;) ). The only true solution is to go back to the most basic level of family and church and do what we ought to have been doing all this time, but forgot because we go off into our Executive Mindsets and think Big and Nationwide is the solution.

God is counterintuitive- He turned the world topsy-turvy. History shows that He is right, too, I believe. The falling of small stones starts an avalanche, and likely the beginning seed that started what we see is not even possible to find out (much to my consternation). I have begun to be very strongly convinced that the Christian's little stones is exactly what God has been drilling into our heads from the beginning of Scripture. Every little principle, love of neighbour. No. It is not a specific kind of love of neighbour. It is merely love of neighbour, agape, charity. And the trouble of that is that you have to follow God and actually look to Him first to find the definitions. That is actually The Christian Walk- we don't know it all, we are gradually learning how little we know, and constantly having to hold out our hands empty and say 'I do not know, You do- show me what I must do.'

We do not trust God if we rely first on the world's prescription of How To Fix Things (and what they should look like, too), and then when that fails turn to God's way- this only makes us mercenary Christians. Kings and nations fall to the ground. We know this. All the Wisdom of Man will fall into dust. It does not continue. It is a deception, an illusion we keep giving in to, even when it betrays us right and left (to our anxiety and despair). The only solution is God's way, the way that fits with all the facets of reality.

What is Hope?

Christian hope is not idealistic in the sense of being unattainable desire. It doesn't make sense that any hope should be unattainable desire. In our hearts, the idea that hopeful things cannot be reached often creeps in; in cynicism we criticise ourselves and others as wanting too much and wanting impossible things. God asks us to open our mouths and He will fill them (or else it was hands, but bear with me), so why should we not be even radically hopeful? Do we believe He exists? I see Satan's influence creeping in when we are not incredibly hopeful, so hopeful that we seem insane to those weighed down and blinded by cynicism.

Still, though I said that about radical hopefulness, I believe that hope is, should be, realistic longing and yearning. The thing we hope in ought to be possible, indeed. The thing that makes it look radical is that the possibilities we as Christians believe in look fairytale-ish from our earthly standpoint.

Ultimately Christian hope looks forward, believing that 'Death is swallowed up in Victory.' In fact, the hope of the Christian is like believing it has happened, as if stepping into the Eternal Moment that C. S. Lewis talks about, seeing all things stretched out underneath, the Map of the History of Reality laid out so that the End (new Beginning) can be seen. Perhaps that is because the Spirit in us brings us up into that knowledge, into the certainty of the is-but-not-yet, this story's perfect ending.

I feel as if, because of my affluent life here, I see this vision more imperfectly. To those who really suffer greatly, the fact that there needs to be justice (that good ending) is stark. It seems that due to affluence, the Western church has largely lost needing to be radically like Christ. The church lost its zeal, and must recover it.

So I ask Christians: Do we believe in God and all of Who He is, and what that means? Do we believe in the story He tells us about Himself, us and Reality? Do we, if the answer to the first question is yes, have that hope in the trajectory? It is our fire. God, His thereness, is our great fuel.

Character of the Happy Warrior by Wordsworth

Character of the Happy Warrior 

BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH 

Who is the happy Warrior? Who is he
That every man in arms should wish to be?
—It is the generous Spirit, who, when brought
Among the tasks of real life, hath wrought
Upon the plan that pleased his boyish thought:
Whose high endeavours are an inward light
That makes the path before him always bright;
Who, with a natural instinct to discern
What knowledge can perform, is diligent to learn;
Abides by this resolve, and stops not there,
But makes his moral being his prime care;
Who, doomed to go in company with Pain,
And Fear, and Bloodshed, miserable train!
Turns his necessity to glorious gain;
In face of these doth exercise a power
Which is our human nature's highest dower:
Controls them and subdues, transmutes, bereaves
Of their bad influence, and their good receives:
By objects, which might force the soul to abate
Her feeling, rendered more compassionate;
Is placable—because occasions rise
So often that demand such sacrifice;
More skilful in self-knowledge, even more pure,
As tempted more; more able to endure,
As more exposed to suffering and distress;
Thence, also, more alive to tenderness.
—'Tis he whose law is reason; who depends
Upon that law as on the best of friends;
Whence, in a state where men are tempted still
To evil for a guard against worse ill,
And what in quality or act is best
Doth seldom on a right foundation rest,
He labours good on good to fix, and owes
To virtue every triumph that he knows:
—Who, if he rise to station of command,
Rises by open means; and there will stand
On honourable terms, or else retire,
And in himself possess his own desire;
Who comprehends his trust, and to the same
Keeps faithful with a singleness of aim;
And therefore does not stoop, nor lie in wait
For wealth, or honours, or for worldly state;
Whom they must follow; on whose head must fall,
Like showers of manna, if they come at all:
Whose powers shed round him in the common strife,
Or mild concerns of ordinary life,
A constant influence, a peculiar grace;
But who, if he be called upon to face
Some awful moment to which Heaven has joined
Great issues, good or bad for human kind,
Is happy as a Lover; and attired
With sudden brightness, like a Man inspired;
And, through the heat of conflict, keeps the law
In calmness made, and sees what he foresaw;
Or if an unexpected call succeed,
Come when it will, is equal to the need:
—He who, though thus endued as with a sense
And faculty for storm and turbulence,
Is yet a Soul whose master-bias leans
To homefelt pleasures and to gentle scenes;
Sweet images! which, wheresoe'er he be,
Are at his heart; and such fidelity
It is his darling passion to approve;
More brave for this, that he hath much to love:—
'Tis, finally, the Man, who, lifted high,
Conspicuous object in a Nation's eye,
Or left unthought-of in obscurity,—
Who, with a toward or untoward lot,
Prosperous or adverse, to his wish or not—
Plays, in the many games of life, that one
Where what he most doth value must be won:
Whom neither shape or danger can dismay,
Nor thought of tender happiness betray;
Who, not content that former worth stand fast,
Looks forward, persevering to the last,
From well to better, daily self-surpast:
Who, whether praise of him must walk the earth
For ever, and to noble deeds give birth,
Or he must fall, to sleep without his fame,
And leave a dead unprofitable name—
Finds comfort in himself and in his cause;
And, while the mortal mist is gathering, draws
His breath in confidence of Heaven's applause:
This is the happy Warrior; this is he
That every man in arms should wish to be.

--

Critical Condition of YouTube made mention of this as I randomly forayed back into her corner of the internet- I hadn't been watching her for a long while now, thinking I wouldn't be particularly interested. It was wrong that I wouldn't be interested, needless to say, at least because of this poem and the thoughts in her head that made her think of it.

This is exactly the sort of thing I have been thinking about a lot recently- the virtuous man. I have been trying to remember the images of beautiful virtue and oldsiness that pervaded my sense of how things ought to be as a child. I was more in touch with it then... I hadn't tried for so many years to understand the mind of the modern world. If I could regret anything, it might be that I had tried to comprehend and get into the modern culture's head, though it may prove useful.

We need to decide: do we believe in this picture above, and others like it about other things? Or do we believe in this false equality, this equalisation of all things, this lack of morality and virtue? Do we believe in a colourless, odourless, senseless world of grey drudgery? At least, that is how I see it, but I will have to expound on that later, I assume.